Transition of Feelings
by strikelight angel
Summary: Struggling to absorb that he had lost one of his very close friends, Athrun finds himself trapped and pressed to a dead end in his heart. Haunted by culpability and guilt, Athrun felt that his emotion and conscience being severely tested.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the characters in Gundam Seed. So, don't sue!!

**A/N:** This is my first attempt at Gseed fic. Hope you like it. Warning, contain spoilers!!

**Summary**: Nicol's dead. Trying and struggling to absorb that he had lost one of his very few important friends, Athrun finds himself trapped and pressed to a dead end in his heart and mind. Haunted by culpability and guilt, Athrun felt that his emotions and conscience being tested to the very limits. Read and find out what finally pushes him to make the ultimate decision of killing Kira, his very own best friend.

**Transition of Feelings**

Anguish. Pain. Grief. Sorrow. One after another, his feelings overwhelm his consciousness, threatening to swallow the last of his sanity, and devoured his soul. All the incessant battles, struggles and _blood_ that he had shed have now intricately procure his conscience, seizing his humanity, while putting an irredeemable dent in his life. The air he breathed seems to be thick with the invisible stench of blood. Life has suddenly become so precarious for him, with him hanging on just by a thin thread. His hands clutched his bedspread firmly and forcefully, afraid that if he let go, he might lose his final touch and hold on reality.

He wanted to move but find that his body refused to comply, as he no longer possesses the any strength to do so. He desires to cry but the tears wouldn't come. A hollow emptiness invaded his body. At the moment, all he can feel is perpetual exhaustion, leaving him incapable of doing anything.

For so long, he thought he was fighting for the right purpose; fighting to protect his people, to prevent another tragedy akin to Junius 7, _and in_ _the right way_. This is the main _thought, strength_ that has been shielding his sanity and keep him going all the while. Even though he is only sixteen, he is knowledgeable and mature enough to discern right from wrong, and being able to observe and perceive a situation and make the best judgments.

But now he isn't so sure about himself anymore. He was shedding the blood of his enemies; it couldn't be helped even if he does not like it, since this is a _war_. But if he was _right_, then why are the lives of his very own friends being taken so cruelly, so brutally as well? Why couldn't he save them? Did he make the wrong decision? First it's Miguel, and now Nicol.

_"Athrun, run"_

_"No, Nicol!!"_

A pair of eyes cracked open right then, revealing a startling shade of emerald green, struggling against the invisible pressure to keep it close. The usually gorgeous shades of emerald are slightly dimmed; its beauty masqueraded and darkens by the shadows of sorrow and pain. Trying to delete the devastating image of his friend's death, which seems to have etched indelibly in his mind, he took in the sight of his dark and shadowy room. He is undisturbed by the darkness at all; after all it's in the middle of the night. Through a glass pane on his window, he could see the clear, night sky outside, cast in gorgeous amethyst velvet and studded with constellations of striking stars. It was pure beauty, but Athrun finds himself incapable of enjoying it. It seems rather ironic to him that the world could appear to be so calm and tranquil, when in reality, it is actually so full of brutality and violence.

The mere thought of his friend sends an agonizing pain rippling right through his heart. What hurts Athrun most was that Nicol had died trying to save him, which, to Athrun isn't worth it. Nicol is someone who his own set of realistic dreams and goals, his aspirations in life. Athrun usually finds himself enraptured by his cheerful and sunny disposition, and he had stood up for him in times of difficulty. He was a kind boy by nature, with eyes that forever-manifest love and care. Now they are all gone. Gone. Gone in an attempt to save him.

_**Flashback** _

_"Why do you have to die like that?" Yzak asked rhetorically, pounding hard on Nicol's locker. His visage was contorted in anger and pain._

_Grabbing him on the front of his red uniform, Athrun shouted, "Why don't you just say it? He died trying to save me!!"_

_"Stop it, you two! Our real enemy's the strike pilot"_

_**End** _

The strike pilot

His once very own best friend!

_"Is this yours?" he asked him, holding out birdie._

_"Yes…it's given to me by a valuable friend…It's an invaluable gift."_

_"I see."_

Athrun had several clashes with Kira before, but none had reflected genuine intensity, not because they're not good or weak, but because both had fought with sheer reluctance and hesitation, bound only by sense of obligation. Both feel it impossible to kill each other and he never dared told any of his other comrades that he is a friend of _the strike pilot_. Best friend, in fact. And he had foolishly ensnared himself in false hopes that Kira might eventually venture to his side, refusing to embrace the fact that they're now enemies. And Nicol had paid a great price for his delusions.

_Will you shoot him down or be shot down? _

_Will you shoot him down...or be shot down?!_

NO!

He doesn't want to be shot down. He wants to live on, especially after Nicol's sacrifice. At this mere statement, his decision and thoughts are finalized inevitably. He wants to live and that means his enemies have to die. That's the way it has to be. Gradually, his whirling thoughts melted into a strange sense of calmness and he no longer feels trapped and helpless anymore. He has finally made a decision, though it did nothing to lighten his pain. In fact, thinking about it evokes a terrible ache inside him. But at least, he knows what he has to do the next time he goes out on battle.

At this thought, a strange sensation invaded him, making up for the emptiness inside him while wrapping itself around his consciousness. It feels, as though something that has been lying dormant inside him, is starting to awaken. It made him feel oddly alive, though in a very subtle way.

Finally, exhaustion sets in, and he could feel sleep trying to overtake him. Before giving in, however, a strange image flashes briefly across his mind. He saw something, looking subtly like a gem, surrounded by the cosmos. A very fine-looking one, colored by emerald green, just like his eye color. And strangely, it seems to taking on a darker shade of green gradually. Then, he saw a brief image of Kira, before sleep finally embrace him, bringing him some temporary comfort before the predestined battle tomorrow.

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Well, that's all for now. Please read and review!!

Ja


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